*I finally understand the meaning of the song "No Air". I'm having a hard time breathing. It's as if my heart's vessels are all constricted, and even though how hard I try, it won't seem to explode. It feels as if it's stuck in my throat, as if vying for that long deprived attention.
Maybe this is why at times I can't swallow my food.
*December last year, I thought I've already cried a river. But now, I seem to have cried an ocean. And it doesn't seem to stop. Can somebody please tell me how to stop it from flowing?
*Facing the mirror, I see a beautiful image of me, trying to smile my smile. I have somehow succeeded in looking all-natural, even blooming. I wonder if the blush on my cheeks is but the aftermath of crying, just when the redness of the eyes had already faded away...
*Walking by the bay, I didn't seem to like the attention. Loneliness must be so attractive to most people. The idea so disgusts me.
*In the morning, I found it hard to get into the cold shower, as if afraid that the cold clear shards would be attracted to the same coldness within, as if afraid that it will go straight to my heart.
I hope the water would wash out the anger in my heart instead.
*Maybe I just want to be angry enough so as not to feel the pain, because by doing so I am able to cover up the hurt, and because I can't seem to command myself to go numb at will, however strong my will could be.
*Does this mean that if it's ok for someone to lose me, I should not have loved that someone in the first place? I now understand the words of my friend Justine, "There will come a time when you cannot live without the person anymore..." It sounded cheesy then, but I can now clearly discern what it meant.
*I don't want to expect anymore, because expectation hurts, and because the more I think about what's gonna happen, the more I am convinced that he will not come back this time around.
So much for the "I've never been more sure" and the "I'll stay no matter what" lines. I can no longer cling to promises written on sand. Not now.
*"If he's gonna give me a problem, well then it's my problem," I once told someone who's mocking me for my decision. And given this, though it hurts so much, I have to enjoy the ride; I have to welcome the new experience. I have to trust in God, and while it lasts, I should at least whoop with excitement.
*I want to get rid of the anger, even though it'll make me more vulnerable to the pain, because I don't want to think of them as "being hurt as much as I am hurting now" any longer. Now that my head's all clear, I really don't want to wish this kind of pain to anybody.
*He had been hurt many times by his ex, and now he's hurting me with the same thing (everyone knows no one wants that to happen). His best friend had indirectly hurt me, being a woman who has the same instincts, I know she had known all along that she has an advantage, and had instinctively used it. I have instinctively used mine last year--I have indirectly hurt someone I don't even know and have never met (damn that instinct!), and now, I am hurting for that same reason. How ironic can you get? Does this cycle never end? Can it please stop on me? Can I please be the last victim?
*It is not up to him if I can be happy. I am not one to hand over my happiness to someone other than myself. Come to think of it, I was happy even before he came. I was whole. I can be, again, knowing that I have so much to be thankful for: my understanding family, my everdearest friends, even the ones whom I've just recently met. They are all just there, and I couldn't be more grateful.
It's just that sometimes, it's hard to see the sun through all the clouds. But I expect, there is always a silver lining in all these.
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